Uh oh

For the past two days, Tom has experienced some numbing in his arms and legs. Twice I've had to help him get to the couch in a hurry so he wouldn't fall. He would get dizzy and he couldn't focus on things for about two minutes each time. One time he said he could see and manipulate his left hand but he couldn't feel it. He said it seemed as though it weren't attached. It was really bizarre.

Today was very scary. He called me at work and told me that he wasn't doing very well. His whole left arm was numb, and his legs felt as heavy as bags of sand. He was extremely nervous. So I left work and talked to him on the phone all the way home (my commute is 45 minutes). During our conversation he began having trouble pronouncing words. He couldn't make complete sentences and the words were were all garbled. I could however understand what he was trying to say. For instance, when his speech started "messing up" he was in the middle of eating a banana. He said, "Eat...na...ba...na. Eat...ban...nab...ban". He went on like that during our conversation. I started quizzing him - giving him some brain exercises - by asking him familiar questions such as, 'What room are you sitting in? What is your full name? What are your brothers and sisters names? What street do you live on? What is your favorite movie?'

His answers:
room? kitchen (correct)
full name? Thomas ah..add..arian...adrian carter
siblings names? He aced this question
street? Highland colono..collon..col..conoly..colony
movie? balad grunner..blad..ron..blade gron..(he sighed and I told him the answer, Blade Runner)

He was asleep on the couch when I got home. I sat at the other end and we just stared at each other. We had no reason to talk as we knew what the other was thinking - 'God, what now'? I glanced out to the deck and saw smoke blowing from a stick of incense. I asked Tom why there was incense out there. He said he seriously thought he was going to die before I got there. Our beloved dog died almost two weeks ago. She walked out to our driveway, laid down, and passed away. Tom lit some incense and laid it next to her, after which he stroked her and talked to her.

Sometimes I think he is starting to give up on himself. I try my best to encourage him and remind him that he has come this far, suffered so much more than this, and that he will probably have setbacks, maybe for a long time, but he has to stay strong and keep up the fight. He's lonely, he feels worthless as a provider, he looks ten years older than he is, he can't skip, he worries about his health all the time, he has to swallow toxic medications every morning and evening wondering if these are the cause of his problems, he wants to work, he worries about dying, etc. What a terrible way to exist. I'm still his #1 cheerleader though - trying to keep a happy face.